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Love, hate and Chick-fil-A
by Michael Patrick
Aug 18, 2012 | 8369 views | 0 0 comments | 10 10 recommendations | email to a friend | print
The easiest way to capture the moral high ground in any argument is to start out with a clever brand name that exudes an aura of untouchable coolness. For example, the next time you are in a heated conversation over whose turn it is to do the dishes with your spouse, or life-partner, you should immediately proclaim yourself to be one of the women from, “The View,” or George Clooney. Not only will you win the immediate argument, you will also win all ensuing arguments forever. This tactic is fantastic unless your partner one-ups you by declaring their name to be Oprah. No one can top the Queen except Oprah 2.0.

This type of thing can go on forever, and that’s why it’s much better to just join some type of organization that is already so cool that your credentials will never be questioned.

Unfortunately groups like the Navy SEALS require discipline, swimming, and that grueling wet log lifting event. You could opt to become an astronaut, but NASA’s human missions have been taken over by the Russians and there is no guarantee that ticket prices will remain stable.

The best thing to do is to become a Progressive. It’s very easy to join the movement and you don’t even have to buy auto insurance from that perky brunette that pops up on electronic advertising every five seconds.

Furthermore, Progressives are just as tough as Navy SEALs. A few days ago, writer Eric Boehlert of Media Matters tweeted that Navy SEALS, “don’t have the guts to admit they’re running a GOP, anti-Obama campaign.” This was in reference to a new 501c3 group that is highly critical of the President for recent National Security leaks. Progressives think that the very idea of security is for sissies.

Progressivism is the optimal form of intellectual power because it requires absolutely nothing from its members except the simple willingness to accept President Obama, or former Vice President Gore as one’s Lord and Savior. Actually that was a trick statement. Progressives hate all religions except for Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Rastafarianism and whatever else isn’t connected to groups like the Boy Scouts of America or Chick-Fil-A.

There are many excellent Progressive organizations in the United States. One of the best among them is the Southern Poverty Law Center. For many years they have been tracking hate groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, Neo-Nazis, and all their twisted variations. Oddly, their crusade recently took a turn into uncharted territory when gay rights activist Floyd Lee Corkins allegedly attempted to kill everyone working at the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. Apparently this is what happens when people skip the fine print.

The FRC is listed on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s website as a hate group. However, underneath the listing is a clever legal disclaimer which states, “Listing here does not imply a group advocates or engages in violence or other criminal activity.”

Basically the SPLC is encouraging a rare form of counter-hate. The true meaning of their statement is, “We don’t like what these people think and you shouldn’t like them or what they think either.” This is perfectly normal. A lot of people don’t like what other people do or think, but relatively few of them pick up a gun to go wipe out an entire office full of people over a difference of opinion.

In light of the recent attack, it seems that the Southern Poverty Law Center should put out another statement on its anti-hate website. Words such as the following could solve the problem: “Please don’t go out and launch terror attacks against these hate groups, because then you will actually be committing a hate crime, which is hateful and we hate the very idea of hate so don’t do it.”

Of all the groups listed on the SPLC’s anti-hate website, the Family Research Council is the meekest of them all. In fact, it seems ludicrous that these Christians should be tossed into the same category as Neo-Nazis and Klansmen. Unfortunately, the FRC did allegedly receive a onetime donation of approximately a thousand dollars from the owners of Chick-Fil-A. Apparently these days that’s enough to get anyone put on a hate-list.

Mr. Corkins, will probably be severely punished with a lengthy period of community service for his attack in which he’ll be forced to pick up trash on the side of the road while wearing an orange jump-suit. This is understandable. After all, Mr. Corkins thought he was trying to make the world into a better place. With any luck he’ll come across a few Chick-Fil-A wrappers and remember his small contribution to the world of anti-hate before he is released back into the community. Next time he might even ask himself, “What would Gandhi do?”

Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at michaelpatrickreno@gmail.com.
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