Political observers understand that the national stage is a whole new ball game. Harry Reid’s tenure as Senate majority leader has been marred by controversies, including accusations of racism for describing President Obama as “light-skinned,” and having “no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” If Harry had an (R) next to his name instead of a (D), there is little doubt that he would have been run out of town the way the Red Coats were at the Battle of New Orleans in 1815. Of, course this was in response to the British burning of Washington D.C. Today our national Capitol is still standing and everything is splendid.
Furthermore, a Mormon candidate has never even been close to winning the big prize and the undertones from experts already have Mitt Romney at a distinct disadvantage. Deep down inside, everyone knows that Mormons have lots of rules, morals, codes and other stuff. This makes things difficult for Mitt because the only question that really matters to voters is, “Which candidate would you most like to have a beer with?”
This is where the election of 2012 becomes very complicated. Everyone knows that Mormons are not supposed to drink beer and that Romney would be in violation of his religion if he even thought of entering such a hypothetical contest. On the other hand, President Obama not only drinks beer, he has actually already held a “Beer Summit” at the White House in which racial relations were fully restored after a white cop had accidentally arrested an angry black professor for breaking into his own house.
Mitt could take the O’Doul’s route, thereby circumnavigating the alcohol rule, and forcing President Obama to go head to head in the big beer test. However, this does not address the larger question which is, “Do we really need sober politicians in places of high power in the first place?”
It should be duly noted that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest leaders that the western world has ever produced, was known to consume one-fifth of Scotch whiskey per day during the Battle of Britain. Fortunately, there was enough of the elixir available to ration off to his Spitfire pilots. The battle was won, and national socialism was held at bay for several more generations.
Abraham Lincoln was not an alcohol drinker, however whiskey played a key role in his administration and eventually led to the North’s victory in the Civil War. When he heard complaints of Gen. Ulysses S. Grant’s drinking habit, President Lincoln replied, “Tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.”
Personally, I would like to have not one beer, but multiple beers with both Romney and Obama at the same bar at the same time. Imagine what it would be like for the average working-class citizen to have a real-life question-and-answer period with the politician who is going to be running things for the next four years? Even if this beer dream came true, little would be gained from it unless a high-powered media figure was involved. This is where a guy like Howard Stern could step in and really help us out. We need to know important things like, “Where did all of the money go?” and, “Have you ever been to a strip bar?”
The hidden power brokers will make Election Day 2012 seem like it’s a close one. Their television puppets will have extra layers of make-up applied during caffeine breaks, and they will routinely mention that the night will go down in history as being very historic. With any luck they can stretch it into a multi-week event, especially if that guy named “Chad” pops up in Florida again. Although this will seem very exciting to the few remaining political junkies in the audience, for most Americans it is going to sound like an extra bland mix of white noise and subliminal messages.
Although this scenario is still several months away, now is the time to plan a well-thought-out contingency operation. It needs to be one that can sustain you through the night into the dawn of a new era that very possibly could require a few more of your constitutional rights, including the one that allows you to lay on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other.
Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.