Additionally, until now, it has been an obscure fact that Cheerios is a gateway cereal, which can lead to the consumption of ever harder and more dangerous cereals, such as Corn Flakes. Eventually, Corn Flakes are not enough. This is where Frosted Flakes come in to play. Coated by an invisible and addictive layer of sugary goodness, they have no mercy for innocent consumers. From this point onward there is nothing to hold a newly created cereal addict back from trying Lucky Charms or even Fruit Loops. Unguided, the average cereal addict eventually will inhale bowl after bowl of the dreaded mother of all carbohydrates, known as Cocoa Puffs, which are actually composites of pure high fructose corn syrup coated in simulated chocolate flavorings. No one knows the exact expiration date of a Cocoa Puff, and this is why it is widely speculated within the world of this column that the government is probably stockpiling them deep within the bowels of that fort where they used to hide the gold before Glenn Beck got to it and sold it over the Internet.
Although breakfast cereal is certainly one of the major issues confronting us as Americans, it is not what this column is supposed to be about. This column is actually about the secret world of Civil War re-enactments, and the alarming fact that no one except hardcore Civil War geeks ever pays any attention to their mock battles held on various cow pastures of the swing states.
More people would probably pay attention if the re-enactors started using live ammunition. Even more people would start paying attention if they drafted high-profile jaw flappers such as Chris Matthews and Rush Limbaugh to lead the opposing armies. If Donald Trump took creative control of the situation, we could generate enough advertising revenue to eliminate the irritating national debt that has plagued us since the beginning of time. Furthermore, the war could end with a touchy feely moment where Matthews and Limbaugh end up hugging each other in breakfast cereal-rehab after the rest of the cast has either been killed or maimed. This would conveniently lead to a Dr. Drew spin-off reality show, thus keeping at least one more perfectly useful American out of the unemployment line.
Truthfully, there are other larger and much more pressing issues facing America at this pivotal moment in history. The main one seems to be global temperatures and their constant fluctuations and the fact that the only guy that seemed to know anything about them disappeared after making a brief appearance in South Park, Colo., where Man-Bear-Pig raised its ugly head.
Not only that, there is now a massive and supposedly empty warehouse sitting just off of Interstate 680 in San Jose, Calif. A weird word adorns the structure. It is called, “SOLYNDRA.” Congress is starting to ask questions. Many people are beginning to wonder if this is now the actual place where they are hiding the Cocoa Puffs. Fortunately, spring training has started and we can now concentrate on the search for MLB steroids.
The only thing that can really save us from all of these problems is neither the Toyota Prius, nor is it the very practical Subaru station wagon with a peace symbol on its rear bumper. We need something better. What we need is similar to that Delorean modified for time travel in “Back to the Future.” The key difference is that it needs to run strictly on Cocoa Puffs, plus its time travel features need to be highly restricted. We can’t have everyone run back to 1994 to attend that last Nirvana show to warn Cobain about shotguns. This would upset universal balance, causing us to remain stuck in the grunge phase of life — a place that none of us really wants to re-visit.
We can probably solve all the world’s problems if we just use simple logic. Everyone knows about the complete lack of Tang instant drink mix in our grocery stores. Coincidentally, Tang seems to have disappeared almost at the exact time that we fired thousands of NASA employees. If we find the Tang, then we’ll find the smart people with the answers as well as the Vitamin C, which once made this country great.
Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.