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Bumper sticker brilliance
by Michael Patrick
Jan 15, 2012 | 867 views | 0 0 comments | 3 3 recommendations | email to a friend | print
In an ongoing and highly subtle effort to make new residents feel as if they should have packed up and headed home five minutes ago, there is a series of bumper stickers available exclusively for native Nevadans who own four wheel drive pick-up trucks equipped with lift kits. One bumper sticker reads, “I don’t care how it was done in California.” The other bumper sticker seems to have been pulled directly from Webster’s Dictionary. It teaches newcomers how to pronounce, “Nevada,” in the dialect preferred by most residents of the Western portion of the United States.

The main trouble with bumper stickers is that they are too small to contain everything that the owners of such bumper art want to convey to the people driving behind them. This is why many drivers have turned to modern day hieroglyphics in the form of a pirated alter ego Calvin derived from the, “Calvin and Hobbes,” comic strip.

Calvin is usually depicted in the strange state of going number one on a word that the driver doesn’t like. For many years the word receiving the golden shower from bad-Calvin was either, “Ford,” or, “Chevy,” depending on the number of years, dollars, and type of massively oversized four by four in which the driver had invested. This phenomenon has expanded well beyond the Ford and Chevy tribal wars to include deep philosophical issues such as, “Work,” or, “The Yankees,” or, “The Red Sox.”

At first glance the bumper sticker, which states, “I don’t care how it was done in California,” seems noteworthy until you take two seconds to think about it. A great counter-bumper sticker would state, “The very fact that you took the money and time to purchase and place a statement like that on the bumper of your expensive four wheel drive truck indicates that you actually care very deeply about how it was done in California. However, “It,” is known in the English Language as a Pronoun. Pronouns are non-specific. Therefore, exactly what is it that you do not care about which was done in California? Thanks. TTYL. BTW, your statement would carry much more weight if you simply went with the Calvin character going number one on the California State Flag.”

Now is the time for all Nevadans who care about the proper pronunciation of, “Nevada,” to take notice of the forthcoming non-pornographic situation known as a, “caucus.” Very soon the caucus will be here, causing local talking heads to sing the joyful yet baffling song called, “The caucus is here! The caucus is here!”

The caucus is not an alien from outer space. It is not an illegal alien either. It is also not an imaginary harmless monster that lives under your bed. The caucus is simply the once every four year time and space conflux when small, yet eager groups of like-minded Americans get together to pretend at a very deep level that their voices actually matter to their leaders.

Due to slow moving bureaucratic conditions within our institutions, four years is just not enough time to do any serious long-term damage. This is the reason why modern U.S. Presidents are elected in eight-year cycles. Unfortunately, due to things like old laws, some people feel the need to believe that they are involved in something called a, “process.” Therefore, every four years, the GOP or the DNC comes together to caucus. After lots of yelling and finger pointing they decide upon a team captain for their Washington Generals. For Nevadans, this means that a group of candidates that is currently busy pointing out what a bunch of jerks they are to other people in other states will soon be here. Many of them appear to be constipated, and if the makers of Ex Lax have any sense, they will immediately sponsor the event.

The important thing for the contestants to remember is that there is a group of tire-iron wielding citizens just waiting to beat them over the head for pronouncing, “Nevada,” in an East Coast or Southern accent. They are eagerly waiting for a politician to rise up and give them the type of high minded inspiration that causes people to go out and stick the name of a future Saturday Night Live buffoon on the rear bumper of their vehicles. Ron Paul is the only candidate that seems to understand the proper pronunciation of the Silver State, but he recently won the Big Time Weirdo of the Century Award for Weirdness, and even Nevadans from places like Fernley are beginning to wander away.

It is clear that we are in a time of crisis. There are wars, economic upheavals, social problems, occupiers, and annoying next-door neighbors. Only one bumper sticker can solve all of these problems: “Beam me up Scotty!”

Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at: michaelpatrickreno@gmail.com.
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