The main complaint from Tea Party people, and other aficionados of the U.S. Constitution, is that government-provided health care will do two crazy things at the same time. First, it will offer the efficiency of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Second, it will offer all of the love and concern of the Internal Revenue Service.
Thankfully, all fears were put to rest a few weeks ago when the most transparent government ever assembled announced the hiring of thousands of new IRS agents to help provide swift and smooth medical care. Only the most brilliant man in the world could have pulled off such a perfect stroke of genius.
Right-wingers constantly assert that President Obama is a socialist who doesn’t know the first thing about running something as simple as a lemonade stand. Well, it is now perfectly clear that Mr. Obama is actually operating with Romney-like business acumen. Cutting out the middleman is always the first step toward achieving higher efficiency and profit. However, a move such as this proves that our president is already light years ahead of the competition. By creating IRS super-agents capable of providing health care as well as collecting taxes, he has taken government efficiency to an unprecedented level.
Unfortunately, the First Amendment still exists and people are whispering unauthorized words behind the president’s back. People are saying things like, “I thought it took 14 years to get through medical school? How good are these IRS doctors? I wonder if they got their stethoscopes at an online costume shop.”
People who ask these questions don’t understand that they live under a much higher and more knowledgeable power. Hipsters have taken over, so there is no longer a need to question authority the way those old bumper stickers on the backs of Volkswagen buses once did. Nevertheless, insidious naysayers are still launching salvos of sarcasm.
Although combining the IRS with medical care is a brilliant first step toward maximum efficiency, the dream cannot be achieved unless lack of respect for authority is stamped out of existence.
Fortunately, our great leader has always planned in advance. As a candidate for president in 2008 he told a crowd of wide-eyed cravers of fundamental change, “We cannot continue to rely on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.”
By having to over-focus on health care due to heavy right-wing resistance, Mr. Obama’s vision of a civilian national security force has existed only as a distant pipe dream. Additionally, his own Secret Service has had trouble down in Columbia due to troublesome foreigners and misunderstandings over payment issues.
Once again, it was a complete lack of respect for authority that caused the crux of the problem. However, the angry young Columbian sex worker is only partially to blame for the embarrassing ruckus. Without an easy way to identify themselves as Secret Service agents, there was no way for the young Columbian woman to know who she was dealing with. In the future our agents should be equipped with large armbands that clearly communicate their status. Since the title “Secret Service” is too long to fit in all languages on an armband, we could easily abbreviate it with “S.S.”
This brings up another larger and more important issue concerning the overall efficiency of our government. Currently, we have too many agencies and police departments scattered all over the nation. Each year they compete for precious tax dollars, causing our deficit to continue skyward like a V-2 rocket. It would be much more economical for us to have a single governmental agency to handle all of the police work. We could call this agency “S.S.” The two letters wouldn’t really stand for anything due to budget concerns, but everyone would feel scared silly without the agency’s constant love and attention. An agency like this should also have its own drones. Large “S.S.” emblems should be painted on the underside of their wings in bright fluorescent paint so we can feel protected at all times, especially at night. We should also have them shoot fireworks, to make every night like the Fourth of July.
Due to the troubling concept of elections we are forced to wait for our well-deserved maximum efficiency. It would be so much easier if we could just elect a president once, and then not have to worry about it ever again.
Michael Patrick is a freelance writer from Reno. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.