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KJ-5000 will save America
by Nathan Orme
Aug 07, 2011 | 559 views | 0 0 comments | 3 3 recommendations | email to a friend | print
News broke this week of America’s newest super soldier, a secret weapon so dangerous that it has to be hidden deep in the recesses of northern Nevada. This unstoppable force, developed in conjunction with our own Washoe County government, can single-handedly annihilate entire units of armed men while being cleverly disguised as an ordinary woman until it is given a chemical developed by top minds through intense testing and research.

Unfortunately, Gov. Sandoval forgot to pack this weapon with him when he left on his goodwill, photo op tour of the Middle East. Maybe he was afraid he couldn’t get it through security.

For those of you who missed it, Gov. Sandi won an all-inclusive vacation from the Department of Defense to visit sunny, sandy military bases in Iraq and Afghanistan this week. He and a few other governors visited with soldiers, talked with military leaders and attended a ceremony for an American killed in combat. According to the Associated Press story, the governor spoke with soldiers from Nevada, sharing some drool over thoughts of the area’s cuisine.

Well, guys, I had an Awful, Awful burger the other night and they’re every bit as good as you recall.

While the shared sentiments are very touching and it is good to tell the troops that they are appreciated, what upset me about this story is the idea of spending yet more money to transport, feed and provide security for a cadre of politicians to go into a war zone where they have no official business to conduct. As if this lingering conflict doesn’t cost America enough. And didn’t we just go through a couple of weeks in which we didn’t know if the federal government would be able to pay its bills? Didn’t lawmakers in Congress just have to raise their debt limit to avoid default?

This being the case, wouldn’t it be better for Harry Reid and company to send a message to the entire nation that while the efforts and sacrifice of our men and women in uniform are appreciated, at this time the government needs to save every penny and nickel and therefore cancel the gubernatorial goodwill trip? I’m sure the troops would understand.

Speaking of the troops and saving money, I must return to the story of America’s new weapon. A police report came out this week detailing how the weapon’s secrecy almost was spoiled when it accidentally was activated and unleashed upon unsuspecting Reno police officers.

Cleverly disguised as Washoe County Commissioner Kitty Jung, this weapon must be the government’s plan to restore peace to the Middle East so the rest of the forces can be brought home. We’ll call it the KJ-5000.

According to the official version of the story (no doubt the true details will be locked away in an underground vault, never to be seen by civilian eyes), KJ-5000 responded to a disturbance at a neighbor’s house. It was trying to investigate a potentially risky situation but was stopped by police who, not knowing of KJ-5000’s powers, told it to stay back until they could secure the scene. Officers reported the “odor of an alcoholic-based beverage” on the KJ-5000, but obviously did not know this scent was developed by government scientists to mask the smell of the radioactive substance that turns this ordinary woman into the ass-kicking super soldier who one day will be America’s savior.

But a strange thing happened when the police restrained the KJ-5000, something in its wiring that the government engineers could not have anticipated when they incorporated human intelligence into its otherwise cold, calculating, militarized programming. The KJ-5000 became prideful and angry that these mortals had stood in its way, not allowing it to accomplish its primary objective of pummeling everything in sight. The machine apparently went haywire, throwing out a wide array of expletives and instead of actually destroying the police officers, it defaulted to smack talk and opted for hurling insults instead of launching its thermonuclear rockets.

It looks like the scientists will have to haul the KJ-5000 back to their bunker, take it apart and find out where they went wrong. Until they do, our troops will have to keep fighting in the Middle East and receive pats on the back from governors who should be at home solving their own states’ problems. Maybe one of these days our government will figure out how to manage its priorities, probably about the same time it gets the KJ-5000 to function properly.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if the Pentagon has gotten its hands on Mayor Martini.

Nathan Orme is the editor of the Sparks Tribune. He can be reached at
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